it's been a while. this is hard for me to write, and i'm trying to stay sensitive to the situation at hand, and maintain integrity for myself, my daughter, and the other people involved. but i have to write this.
i took a job in my hometown in august and goose and i stayed with my parents for long enough to find a house to live in. we wanted a better life, away from distractions in our old town, away from the big schools that she would have been in in our old town, away from the temptations so we could focus on our family. away from a miserable job that was slowly driving this momma crazy. goose and i made the move and her dad joined us in october when i found a house to rent. things were going well it seemed and we were settling in fairly soundly. it was good to be home. it was good to be able to have lunch with my mom. it was good to have a job that i enjoy. i was happy.
our lives took a different turn last week. i won't go into detail because i'm not one to hash my trash online, so we will just leave it at "differences in personality" and say that i filed for divorce. there was a lot of fighting and i was beginning to take all my stress out by yelling. a lot. i didn't like who i was. i didn't like the mother i was becoming. i had become that mom who yells. i had become that mom who secluded herself so she wouldn't yell. i had become that mom who started to resent life.
her dad and i have had rough times in the past. we have had rough times before we married and after we married and before she got here and after she got here. i chalked it up to being married. nothing is always going to be daisies and rainbows. i still care for him very much and hope that he can be the best dad possible to his two daughters. and i know he will be. i know he will do his best to raise them and show them a father's love. but i realized and he realized and we realized that our best for them is not what we have now.
it is heartbreaking. for me. for him. for his family. for my family. for our friends. especially for the girls. but this is what is best. i hate that this had to come the week before christmas. i hate that it had to happen like this at all. i would hate it more if these two little girls learn that dysfunction is normal and choose that when they choose a future spouse. i hate that our fighting has become our normalcy and i hate that it has come between a friendship that used to be unbreakable.
i set out to marry my best friend when i did marry. i loved him and his daughter more than anything on this earth. when our daughter was born, she completed me. i thought my heart would overflow. and then, somewhere along the road, something changed. maybe it was the stress of being a mother, or the stress of being a stepmother and a mother to two children who had two different sets of rules. maybe it was the stress of having a job where i got yelled at 80 times a day. i tried to fix that with the job change and it did help for a while.
i have a deep fear of disappointing the people in my life that i care about, which is why this decision has been so hard for me. i don't want to disappoint my parents who have taught me that marriage is for life, or my daughter who has taught me the meaning of true, unconditional love. i don't want to disappoint my church or my extended family or our mutual friends.
i also have a deep fear of not living my life right. to steal a quote from emerson,
"i must be myself. i cannot break myself any longer for you, or you. if you cannot love me for what i am, we shall be the happier. if you cannot, i will still seek to deserve that you should. if you are noble, i will love you; if you are not, i will not hurt you and myself by hypocritical attentions."
i must find myself again. i must figure out who i am meant to be. i cannot live my life with regret. my daughter is my prize and i am beyond blessed to have her. but i must work toward being the mother she needs and the person she can come to with anything and everything.
i must have faith. in love, in life, in happiness, in family, and in time. i must believe that time can heal my wounds. that time can heal and repair our friendship in order for goose to have parents who are able to work together to give her the happy life she deserves.
