separation anxiety...

it's been a while. this is hard for me to write, and i'm trying to stay sensitive to the situation at hand, and maintain integrity for myself, my daughter, and the other people involved. but i have to write this.

i took a job in my hometown in august and goose and i stayed with my parents for long enough to find a house to live in. we wanted a better life, away from distractions in our old town, away from the big schools that she would have been in in our old town, away from the temptations so we could focus on our family. away from a miserable job that was slowly driving this momma crazy. goose and i made the move and her dad joined us in october when i found a house to rent. things were going well it seemed and we were settling in fairly soundly. it was good to be home. it was good to be able to have lunch with my mom. it was good to have a job that i enjoy. i was happy.

our lives took a different turn last week. i won't go into detail because i'm not one to hash my trash online, so we will just leave it at "differences in personality" and say that i filed for divorce. there was a lot of fighting and i was beginning to take all my stress out by yelling. a lot. i didn't like who i was. i didn't like the mother i was becoming. i had become that mom who yells. i had become that mom who secluded herself so she wouldn't yell. i had become that mom who started to resent life.

her dad and i have had rough times in the past. we have had rough times before we married and after we married and before she got here and after she got here. i chalked it up to being married. nothing is always going to be daisies and rainbows. i still care for him very much and hope that he can be the best dad possible to his two daughters. and i know he will be. i know he will do his best to raise them and show them a father's love. but i realized and he realized and we realized that our best for them is not what we have now.

it is heartbreaking. for me. for him. for his family. for my family. for our friends. especially for the girls. but this is what is best. i hate that this had to come the week before christmas. i hate that it had to happen like this at all. i would hate it more if these two little girls learn that dysfunction is normal and choose that when they choose a future spouse. i hate that our fighting has become our normalcy and i hate that it has come between a friendship that used to be unbreakable.

i set out to marry my best friend when i did marry. i loved him and his daughter more than anything on this earth. when our daughter was born, she completed me. i thought my heart would overflow. and then, somewhere along the road, something changed. maybe it was the stress of being a mother, or the stress of being a stepmother and a mother to two children who had two different sets of rules. maybe it was the stress of having a job where i got yelled at 80 times a day. i tried to fix that with the job change and it did help for a while.

i have a deep fear of disappointing the people in my life that i care about, which is why this decision has been so hard for me. i don't want to disappoint my parents who have taught me that marriage is for life, or my daughter who has taught me the meaning of true, unconditional love. i don't want to disappoint my church or my extended family or our mutual friends.

i also have a deep fear of not living my life right. to steal a quote from emerson,
"i must be myself. i cannot break myself any longer for you, or you. if you cannot love me for what i am, we shall be the happier. if you cannot, i will still seek to deserve that you should. if you are noble, i will love you; if you are not, i will not hurt you and myself by hypocritical attentions."

i must find myself again. i must figure out who i am meant to be. i cannot live my life with regret. my daughter is my prize and i am beyond blessed to have her. but i must work toward being the mother she needs and the person she can come to with anything and everything.

i must have faith. in love, in life, in happiness, in family, and in time. i must believe that time can heal my wounds. that time can heal and repair our friendship in order for goose to have parents who are able to work together to give her the happy life she deserves.

jesus loves strippers.

i know, some of you are reading this because of the title. some of you are offended. some of you are just wondering what in the hell i'm thinking right now. i just got back from my monthly women's group meeting for church and there was this girl there who was talking about her ministry "jesus said love." i was looking at her products from across the room at dinner and what stuck out was this t-shirt that said "jesus loves strippers." this caught my interest. i had no idea that i would love her message.

her ministry, jesus said love, is amazing. she's helping a group of people who have been outcasted from the church for so long that they were shocked that "christians" wanted to help them with no strings attached. they give gift bags to dancers at a few clubs here in town and in a few surrounding towns. no tracts, no message of fire and brimstone, just LOVE. they help these women who have estranged families, who have lost relationships, who have criminal histories, who are working women struggling to make ends meet in an effort of love.

now don't stop reading because i'm talking about strippers. also don't stop reading because i'm talking jesus. i haven't talked jesus in a LONG time. i haven't felt jesus in a long time. and i feel like maybe i was supposed to be in that room tonight because this is my greater good this year. i'm looking forward to being a part of this group. i'm looking forward to teaching women that there's hope and that they are loved and beautiful. when i started going to church in waco, i visited a few places and ended up marrying into central christian, which is the first place i've felt at home in a long time. they didn't care or know who i had been, they cared that i was there and they wanted me there. i hadn't felt at home in a place since i had been in zeta in college.

it has been a long time since i was interested in a particular ministry, but this girl, EMILY MILLS, is amazing and has such a beautiful heart. maybe they have room from a rude, crude person like me to show love to some people who don't know love. i'm looking forward to the chance.

i was put off for a long time with people who wanted to "witness" to me. i met a lot of wonderful people through the churches i went to over the past few years, but i felt like they all just wanted to "plant a seed" and leave. newsflash, that seed was planted when i was born. i grew up in church. i went to private baptist college. i led worship. i tried my hand at a christian music record. i'm home here. and it's high time i get involved with something more than the toddler class. i'm excited about the possibilities.

so here's to love. no matter who you love or who you show love, or in who's name you DO love, just do it. just LOVE.

january is over.

january is over....

“Today I will do what others won’t, so tomorrow I can accomplish what others can’t.” – Jerry Rice

i saw this quote last week and it was very motivational. throughout the month of january, my goal was to cut soda. that was my only true "goal" for the month. i drank my last soda on january 1. i have not had a SIP of soda since. i've had water and tea (mostly unsweet).

this year, i want to be healthy. i want to make good choices so that i can make life better for myself and for my family. i want to be able to play with my daughter, instead of writhing in pain all the time. i've started drinking more water, i walked around a mile five days a week for the past three weeks. i've been addressing the pain in my back instead of my weak attempts at ignoring it and i'm feeling better. i've also lost five pounds.

i'd say i'm off to a good start. i've had ups and downs emotionally, but overall, january was a step in the right direction. i played guitar one afternoon, tackled some sewing projects, and i cooked more at home (and my husband ate it!!!). i've attempted to kind of jump start some of the other yearly goals this month, but my main one was the soda. i have cravings daily for a vat of dr. pepper. i had a couple of really terrible days this month and was tempted to give up. i was tempted to just have a small soda, but i didn't. in the past i would have had a coke or a pepsi, so i wasn't having dr. pepper, but i was still drinking soda. i did NOT cheat.

i downloaded the loseit app and have been tracking my food choices to motivate me to stay focused. i had a few days that i went over my limit, but overall i'm happy with how i did this month.

what's to come? after i post this blog, i plan on opening one of the books i started a few years back and doing some reading so i can contemplate some writing. i'm drinking a nice big bottle of water and might hop on my mom's road to nowhere bike and get some exercise in before the chaos of the day officially begins.

life changes....

this time of year is full of resolutions and goals and wishes and dreams that never come true for many of their creators. i've stayed away from resolutions in the past because i know me. this year, i didn't make resolutions. i made twelve mini-goals to build on each one before each month. i made it a point to not tie any of these to weight loss or direct money numbers because i'm really bad about getting discouraged. i'm taking on an "every little bit counts" standpoint this year. and it's big for me to write something down and stick to it. i'm actually excited. the following things are things that i've struggled with the past year personally.

i'm addicted to soda. i've kicked the habit in the past but i rationalize new beginnings with it by telling myself "you didn't get much sleep last night. you need the caffeine." or, it's friday. or, you had a bad week. no more rationalizing. no more buts. i need less soda in my life. it's toxic. my plan is to stick to water and tea, and, if need be, coffee once in a while.

i'm terrible at saving. i'm bad about coming across something unexpected and pulling from my savings account to cover it. better planning and budgeting an alotted savings amount has already been implemented. i. must. not. touch. it.

junk. whether it's food, attitude or clutter around my house, my life is full of junk. i need a makeover. i grab junk food when i've had a bad day. i grab junk to snack on. i need it out of my house and out of my life. my attitude gets junky most weeks at least once. i need to let things go. this will help my junky attitude. there's too much junk in my house - stuff i don't use or need and i need to slough it off in order to bring structure to the chaos that is my life.

i wrote a book and have three in progress. i need to finish those. and i need to share more. writing things down keeps me sane.

i'm addicted to spending. i can nickle and dime what's left of my paycheck to death! i will be working on a weekly "allowance" system and sticking to a list when grocery shopping.

more music. my life used to be FULL of music. i haven't played my guitar in a really long time. there's a show coming up that my mom wrote and she wants me to play guitar in it. this is my inspiration *make time. heart-deep.* i want my daughter to develop a love of music like i had/have. i also want to create more, meaning my crafties and sewing and such.

less stuff. i plan on purging the crap in my home and having a garage sale and putting that money into savings. i have things i need to let go of.

we eat out or at my in-laws a LOT. i need to cook more. i need to teach my girls that family is important, and that dinner time is family time. i had this growing up and it was special time for us to talk about our days.

less media time. this means that instead of retreating to my room and turning on the tv when i get home, that i will play with my daughter or spend time with my husband. instead of turning on my computer or playing on my phone for the hours that i'm home, i will be spending time with baby jayne and her daddy. i can facebook about how much i love her and blog about how much i love her until i'm blue in the face, but she can't read. she only sees action now. i need to be active.

i love to read. i rarely find time to do it. i will read more.

i've always been more on the negative side of the spectrum personality wise than on the positive. i need to be thankful for what i have. i need to be less negative. my whole life feeds off of my attitude and when that attitude sucks, so does my life. (i will, however, continue with my sarcastic antics. :))

i want to do something to help another person. i want to be more selfless. i want to turn negative energy into positive energy and my heart is in a better place when i'm showing kindness to others. it doesn't happen as often as it should.

so, there it is. there's my plan for 2013. making a better person. making family more of a family and less of a network and job. and cutting the negative and increasing the positive.

TAMS 12 STEPS to BEING A BETTER PERSON

Jan – less soda
Feb – more savings
March – less junk (food, attitude, clutter)
April – write more
May – less spending
June – more music (guitar, creating)
July – less stuff (purge the crap that we never use)
August – eat at home more (learn to cook goodJ)
September – less media time (spend more time with FAMILY than on phone/computer/tv)
October – more reading
November – less negativity (being more thankful)
December – do something to help others.

do something to improve yourself this year. doesn't have to be big. just do it.

happy new year guys.