heart-deep.

they say beauty is only skin-deep. that we have to SEE ourselves as beautiful to be beautiful. no woman i know can agree to this. i read a wonderful article yesterday about calling yourself beautiful for your daughters. it hit home.

i grew up with a mom who called me her "beautiful tamera" and i was her spitting image. i still am. this mom who called me beautiful, who did her best to give me everything thought i was beautiful and still does. i'm sure her mom feels the same way about her (and me!). sometimes my mom still calls me beautiful and i wonder how she can see it. i realize now, now that i have a daughter, how it's possible. even on her ugliest, fit-throwing, biting all the kids at daycare, cookies all over her face, she is my beautiful mess and the day some boy ruins that for her i'm going to be pissed.

i don't want my daughter to grow up thinking oh when i'm old enough to think, i won't be pretty anymore. i won't be beautiful, because i've outgrown it. i want her to know that she's ALWAYS beautiful and that beauty ISN'T skin deep, it's heart-deep. i want her to feel the way i feel about her when she looks at herself in the mirror. so many parents are like "oh, you're going to raise a narcissist." not that i want her to be self-involved or selfish, but i do want her to take pride in herself, not just her actions, but in herself, physically. i want to raise a confident young woman, not a timid, shy little squirrel like i was. i want her to feel in her heart that she is perfect the way she is. that she is beautiful, and she will never learn that, except from me.

i sit here, stained t-shirt from college, legs hairy, split ends, grey hair peeking its way out of my part, hair messy from sleep and i'm suppsed to think all this is beautiful? what am i thinking. heart-deep, tam. heart-deep. i'm "mom-shaped," which means i'm still struggling to lose the seventy pounds i gained when i was pregnant and i also like cookies too much. my clothes hardly ever match, i've got permanent bags under my eyes from lack of sleep over wondering how i'm going to screw up my daughter in this short 18 years that she will live with me, and worrying about money, and my relationship with my husband, and stepdaughter, and whether the dogs are rearranging my living room floor with their teeth.

i have food to eat. i have a bed to sleep in. i have sweet and perfect kids to worry about. i have a home to worry about and i have furry kids.

i have two working legs. i have hair on my head, and i am in good health, and i have the ability to make myself better. i have the ability to be beautiful because beauty isn't skin deep. it's heart-deep.

heart-deep. you have to feel it to believe it. heart-deep. you have to love yourself. heart-deep. your love shows to others. heart. deep. heart-deep.

it's so easy to fall into the "i'm a mom, i don't have time for (this)." i was talking to a friend the other day and i used to play guitar and sing and write and do all this stuff that, now that, "i'm a mom, i don't have time for (this)." she told me to make time. make time. heart-deep.

the last memory i have of playing guitar and really loving it was almost six years ago. i've picked up my guitar now and again, but not like that. i haven't played like that. with heart. with soul. with love. with careless abandon to the world around me. my world has changed since then. and i haven't found time in two years to even pick it up because (say it with me), "i'm a mom, i don't have time for (this)." heart-deep. if it's something you love, make time. make time. heart-deep.

i wrote a novel. how many people can say that (besides the obvious published ones)? i wrote a novel that's sitting because, "i'm a mom, i don't have time for (this)." it's complete, edited, read over many times by others, query letter written. just needs to find a home with a publisher. it's a story that needs to be shared, and it's something i love. make time. make time. heart-deep.

i could go on about my half-finished projects, my half-finished life, but the point is, if it's something you love, make time. it's heart-deep. if you're doing something you love, you gain the confidence you need to feel "oh, i'm so awesome right now." which, in turn makes you feel pretty inside, which reflects to the outside. so.

make time. make time. heart-deep.