shape shifting

i'm not entirely sure what i'm writing about. i felt the need to express.

i just finished editing an awesome family session and it made my heart full. i don't think my life would be complete without photography. it lets me see things in a way that not many people see them. from this angle, or that. through this lens or that one. it helps me cope. it helps me find myself. i'm never happier than when i'm shooting. i zone out. it's wonderful.

i used to be this way with my guitar. with my voice. maybe my outlet has shifted. these days, it's hard to get through a song or a christmas carol without choking. i haven't brought myself to get out my guitar since my last post. maybe i'm busy. maybe i'm tired. but maybe i'm scared to face ol' hazel again. afraid hazel will have forgotten me. or worse, that i have forgotten. i used to play for hours in my empty apartment with the windows open with an open notebook and a pencil. and as i sit here, typing, i glance down at these lyrics...

maybe over time my eyes have jaded / and thru it all i know that life has faded / seems that nothing's quite the same / maybe i'm the one to blame

maybe i am to blame. maybe i'm changing. growing. shifting. i still LOVE to write. and my life is full of music. just not mine. it still hurts to sing. it still hurts to play. my father in law keeps telling me i need to get my guitar out for goose and play for her. i'd play her this song, the one i wrote before i met her. maybe it was for her all along...

i'd give it all to find / your face in a crowd / your voice out loud / i'm searching for a peace inside / a peace that makes me come alive

maybe, just maybe, my "choking" is joy, that my dreams have come true. i waited all my life to fall in love. real love. love that makes you crazy. love that makes you hurt when it isn't there. love that makes you feel complete.

maybe life's supposed to be confusing / and over all can be consuming / i know life's a mystery / maybe i should set it free

i spent a lot of my early twenties crying. in hope, in sadness, in desperation, in joy, in regret. in depression. i spent most decembers crying. my little girl changed that for me. the joys in life, they're worth waiting for. they're worth picking yourself, dusting off your pants and keeping on.

maybe tears of hope are overrated / and all the joys in life are long awaited / i want to wait until the day / when i can close my eyes and say // i gave it all to find / your face in a crowd / your voice out loud / i'm searching for a peace inside / a peace that makes me come alive

peace. i've finally found peace. i'm at peace when i shoot. i'm at peace when i'm capturing memories, making them last forever. new babies. first kisses. birthday cakes. shredded gift paper. promises. hope. love. joy.

so confusing yet so clear / i don't know but am i near / can i find the bounds of love / want to know it's from above

that's all.