so i woke up at 255 this morning...baby's asleep next to me, i'm exhausted, husband is sick and thereby quarantined to the couch. i'm wide awake. yet exhausted. so i'm pondering and pondering and, since illicit drug use is frowned upon, i blog.
my daughter rolled over the ninth month mark and this is terrifying. she is growing way too fast. how do i make it stop? she is FULL of life. she is a little spit-fire of energy and attitude. tell her no, she laughs. what did i expect, really? her father is...her father. and i am her mother.
she consistently amazes me. i was sitting in bed with her (last night) and she was drinking a bottle and belched like her dad would. i mean, how did something so manly come out of this cute little red head? so, i call her "belchy" and she thinks this is hilarious. i love it when i entertain her. i feel like i'm returning the favor because she is always entertaining me.
i never would have thought nine months ago that i'd have such a joy of a child. what i mean to say is, i never fathomed how much being a mother would satisfy me. it quenches my thirst. it breathes life into me.
this has been a rough year. the car accident in april REALLY woke me up. i realized how fleeting life is. how replaceable "things" are, and what really matters in life are the people you love. nothing can touch that.
i've been struggling with depression. and have had a lot of anxiety since april. it got to a point a few weeks ago that everything i ate made me sick. i had lost weight (which, post partum, is not something usually frowned upon, but...) and it was making life really hard to be so unhappy all the time. i am not one for medication. i hate taking meds. and yet, seems like that was the only answer this time.
i gave in. i went to a doctor. i'm not a fan of doctors offices. though i know some FABULOUS people who are doctors, i'm still...not a fan. something about the sterilized air makes me hyperventillate i suppose. the doc i saw was not my regular, but one i have been to before and one i trust to treat me in a way that will improve the quality of my life. after all, that is what these people have dedicated their lives to.
i can say that the quality of my life has improved since then. its amazing how admitting you have a problem is the first step. my job normally makes me a basketcase by the time friday rolls around and is surprisingly bearable lately. i mean. i'd still vote for a five-day weekend and a three-day work week any hour of any day, but it's bearable and the money doesn't suck.
i have a good life. i have a beautiful daughter who keeps me on my toes. i have a husband who makes me laugh every day. an amazing stepdaughter who keeps us rolling, and more family support than should be legal. my love is strong, and all the small things are just that...small. nothing to worry about. nothing to lose sleep over. just small. and there are too many big things to rejoice in than to stress over the small...
sweet dreams...
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
"that ain't white trash...that's innovative..."
this has, over the course of the past few years, become my catch phrase when i do something completely white trash, and it works...like rolling a tee shirt up in the window to keep the sun out of my stepdaughter's eyes.
so i'm sitting here a few minutes ago, my four-month-old has just started eating fruits. big step in the life of a baby, and, since we haven't felt the need to buy a high chair yet, we've been using her bumbo. well, my little girl is quite the escape artist. being that i can't sit in the floor and feed her due to my accident two weeks ago, i have to put her on an elevated surface (i know i know, buying a high chair is on my list!), in order to feed her. so she's in her bumbo, tray on (because it's harder for her to stiffen up and get herself out), and eating our bananas like a champ.
lj decides that it pisses her off that the bumbo tray is holding her captive, so she throws a huge fit. (we have used a stroller in the past too to feed.) so i look across the room, and little miss' booster seat (high back) is by the door. looks like a high chair to me! so i put it up on the ottoman she was on and it works like a charm! she happily eats her nanners.
we have cut off onesies that are too short to make t-shirts (this is a mimi innovation) and the latest and most funniest happened on (not so) good friday when there was no power in our house (or the rest of our community) for five hours.
my daughter HATES to be hot. so i have stripped her down as far as i can go without egging on a huge mess. she's in a diaper on a blanket with all the windows open, screaming. she needs noise. it's FAR too quiet. so mommy looks over at her laptop. charged battery...nemo...and silence is golden.
some of you may be thinking about what a bad mother i am for letting my child watch television or movies. let me tell ya, some nights the only way she can sleep and we can de-stress is to put her down in front of nick jr. and let her fall asleep. she's a red-head, a very high-maintenance red-head.
i was trying to make goodies for easter with NO power and an infant with no air conditioning, no light, and no oven. so i was able to make my fondant (no baking!) under the light of my genius ott light - if you don't have one, get one! they're a lifesaver!! at this point it is getting warmer and our house has no trees to keep it cool so i opt to go down the street to my ma-in-law's. i put lj (diaper only) in her car seat, gather up her stuff and get in the car, which, thank god, has air conditioning!
we manage the day and make it over to my in-laws' and the power comes back on and ma-in-law and i decide the lj might like to take a swim. she's not quite big enough (or sitty-uppy enough) to blow up the princess pool, but we do have a decent little baby bathtub that kinda reclines...so she fills that up with water and lets it sit in the sun for a while so it can warm up...while we're "swimming," we decide to go ahead and give her a bath. she likes the bathtub a LOT better outside than she does inside! so once again, that ain't white trash...
i have since bought a travel high chair. fisher price, which she hates more than the bumbo. i've heard rave reviews about this miracle seat known as the bumbo, and happen to have the one child on earth who can escape this torture device. it's a good thing we have two?
i suppose as time goes on we will find things that work and things that don't...like the home-made "moby" wrap i decided to make out of a giant tye-dyed sheet. didn't work. i wouldn't even put the baby in it. but overall, we have fun learning, and i have had fun having my little girl to laugh at me when i screw up and when i don't. one smile from that pretty little face makes the failed attempts at working something completely diminish.
here's to innovation...to trailer park fixins...and to happy babies...
so i'm sitting here a few minutes ago, my four-month-old has just started eating fruits. big step in the life of a baby, and, since we haven't felt the need to buy a high chair yet, we've been using her bumbo. well, my little girl is quite the escape artist. being that i can't sit in the floor and feed her due to my accident two weeks ago, i have to put her on an elevated surface (i know i know, buying a high chair is on my list!), in order to feed her. so she's in her bumbo, tray on (because it's harder for her to stiffen up and get herself out), and eating our bananas like a champ.
lj decides that it pisses her off that the bumbo tray is holding her captive, so she throws a huge fit. (we have used a stroller in the past too to feed.) so i look across the room, and little miss' booster seat (high back) is by the door. looks like a high chair to me! so i put it up on the ottoman she was on and it works like a charm! she happily eats her nanners.
we have cut off onesies that are too short to make t-shirts (this is a mimi innovation) and the latest and most funniest happened on (not so) good friday when there was no power in our house (or the rest of our community) for five hours.
my daughter HATES to be hot. so i have stripped her down as far as i can go without egging on a huge mess. she's in a diaper on a blanket with all the windows open, screaming. she needs noise. it's FAR too quiet. so mommy looks over at her laptop. charged battery...nemo...and silence is golden.
some of you may be thinking about what a bad mother i am for letting my child watch television or movies. let me tell ya, some nights the only way she can sleep and we can de-stress is to put her down in front of nick jr. and let her fall asleep. she's a red-head, a very high-maintenance red-head.
i was trying to make goodies for easter with NO power and an infant with no air conditioning, no light, and no oven. so i was able to make my fondant (no baking!) under the light of my genius ott light - if you don't have one, get one! they're a lifesaver!! at this point it is getting warmer and our house has no trees to keep it cool so i opt to go down the street to my ma-in-law's. i put lj (diaper only) in her car seat, gather up her stuff and get in the car, which, thank god, has air conditioning!
we manage the day and make it over to my in-laws' and the power comes back on and ma-in-law and i decide the lj might like to take a swim. she's not quite big enough (or sitty-uppy enough) to blow up the princess pool, but we do have a decent little baby bathtub that kinda reclines...so she fills that up with water and lets it sit in the sun for a while so it can warm up...while we're "swimming," we decide to go ahead and give her a bath. she likes the bathtub a LOT better outside than she does inside! so once again, that ain't white trash...
i have since bought a travel high chair. fisher price, which she hates more than the bumbo. i've heard rave reviews about this miracle seat known as the bumbo, and happen to have the one child on earth who can escape this torture device. it's a good thing we have two?
i suppose as time goes on we will find things that work and things that don't...like the home-made "moby" wrap i decided to make out of a giant tye-dyed sheet. didn't work. i wouldn't even put the baby in it. but overall, we have fun learning, and i have had fun having my little girl to laugh at me when i screw up and when i don't. one smile from that pretty little face makes the failed attempts at working something completely diminish.
here's to innovation...to trailer park fixins...and to happy babies...
Monday, January 31, 2011
lifes best moments
maybe greys is getting to my head...or maybe i'm having an actual soft moment. don't judge me.
today started like any other. except that my husband is sick so he was home but quarantined to the front of the house. lj woke up at 4, which made for a half-awake feed after mommy stayed up until 130 making ridiculously offensive blog titles and posts. luckily she went back to sleep and slept til 9. thanks little girl. my ma in law came by around 1015 and we went to pick up some supplies for when she starts keeping lj next week when i go back to work. then we decided to stick it out and go to the mall and walk around til lunch time so i didn't have to sit at home with the sick, germ-infested love of my life. we walked around, scoffed at baby gap "sale" prices, then did the same at gymboree. then we had some chick-fil-a, and lj woke up and ate and we headed home.
got home and i could see that the front bathroom light was on and i half expected my husband to be lying in the floor sleeping or over the toilet barfing. i didn't see him, then was startled to see him in the tub. he hates baths. i knew he felt horrid. i convinced him to let me take him to the emergency care clinic so we packed lj up and took her over to her grandparents, and headed off to the first clinic. packed. no dice. i'm not sitting in germ-infested hell to not get seen for three hours. we could do that at the er. so we went to the sister clinic across town in the ghetto. woo! we put on our blue bandanas and set off. (not really. that might be a red neighborhood.) there was actually a chair or two available to sit in so we filled out our paper work and sat to wait.
it was annoying to be waiting, but it was good to be with my husband when he needed me. he felt lousy and me being there helped him feel a little better.
we go through motions every day and don't realize the importance of our every day actions. i got to spend a day with my husband, and even though he felt terrible and was fevered out of his mind, i got to spend the day with him. sick or not sick, i love spending time with him, taking care of him, worrying about him... after we got a diagnosis and prescriptions, i dropped him off at home, ran to the store and loaded up on popsicles and ice cream, and went to get my baby girl.
she was asleep on her papa's chest. she looked so peaceful and i realized that in all the hustle and bustle of the day, i hadn't cuddled with my baby girl all day. i grabbed her up and held her as tight as i could without suffocating her and just silently thanked everything good for her...for the chance to hold her in my arms.
i'm completely bummed about going back to work next week. my plan for this week was to spend as many moments as i could cuddling with my girl. i'm envious of moms who get to stay home and catch every smile, every laugh, first steps, cute burps and gassy smiles. i'm going to miss all of that. its unsettling but i made a commitment to a company that i'd be back to work. so i spent the evening cutting pictures for frames to put on my desk to remind myself of why i'm there. for her. for her sister. for my husband. my life has turned into the grind of the ordinary. i always hoped for something bigger in my life. always hoped for something great. and i get in my rut of complacency and realize that my bigger is right here in my arms. my something great is lying in the front bedroom sick. they are why i do the ordinary grind. they are my life purpose. and i wouldn't trade them for the world.
OUT.
today started like any other. except that my husband is sick so he was home but quarantined to the front of the house. lj woke up at 4, which made for a half-awake feed after mommy stayed up until 130 making ridiculously offensive blog titles and posts. luckily she went back to sleep and slept til 9. thanks little girl. my ma in law came by around 1015 and we went to pick up some supplies for when she starts keeping lj next week when i go back to work. then we decided to stick it out and go to the mall and walk around til lunch time so i didn't have to sit at home with the sick, germ-infested love of my life. we walked around, scoffed at baby gap "sale" prices, then did the same at gymboree. then we had some chick-fil-a, and lj woke up and ate and we headed home.
got home and i could see that the front bathroom light was on and i half expected my husband to be lying in the floor sleeping or over the toilet barfing. i didn't see him, then was startled to see him in the tub. he hates baths. i knew he felt horrid. i convinced him to let me take him to the emergency care clinic so we packed lj up and took her over to her grandparents, and headed off to the first clinic. packed. no dice. i'm not sitting in germ-infested hell to not get seen for three hours. we could do that at the er. so we went to the sister clinic across town in the ghetto. woo! we put on our blue bandanas and set off. (not really. that might be a red neighborhood.) there was actually a chair or two available to sit in so we filled out our paper work and sat to wait.
it was annoying to be waiting, but it was good to be with my husband when he needed me. he felt lousy and me being there helped him feel a little better.
we go through motions every day and don't realize the importance of our every day actions. i got to spend a day with my husband, and even though he felt terrible and was fevered out of his mind, i got to spend the day with him. sick or not sick, i love spending time with him, taking care of him, worrying about him... after we got a diagnosis and prescriptions, i dropped him off at home, ran to the store and loaded up on popsicles and ice cream, and went to get my baby girl.
she was asleep on her papa's chest. she looked so peaceful and i realized that in all the hustle and bustle of the day, i hadn't cuddled with my baby girl all day. i grabbed her up and held her as tight as i could without suffocating her and just silently thanked everything good for her...for the chance to hold her in my arms.
i'm completely bummed about going back to work next week. my plan for this week was to spend as many moments as i could cuddling with my girl. i'm envious of moms who get to stay home and catch every smile, every laugh, first steps, cute burps and gassy smiles. i'm going to miss all of that. its unsettling but i made a commitment to a company that i'd be back to work. so i spent the evening cutting pictures for frames to put on my desk to remind myself of why i'm there. for her. for her sister. for my husband. my life has turned into the grind of the ordinary. i always hoped for something bigger in my life. always hoped for something great. and i get in my rut of complacency and realize that my bigger is right here in my arms. my something great is lying in the front bedroom sick. they are why i do the ordinary grind. they are my life purpose. and i wouldn't trade them for the world.
OUT.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
i am not my mother
i've done it. i've joined a real blogging community. just like every new mom out there, just like everyone who has a point to make. i did it, ok? get over it. be warned that i've been described negatively with words such as crass and rude. they're true. i have a foul mouth when needed, and i don't take people's judgments and suggestions as seriously as i should, oftentimes. i'm here for ME. to get things off my chest or to brag about my life. i have not gone soft.
first off, an explanation of the title. no offense, mom. as you will undoubtedly read this via my facebook page. i came up with this title as an offense to one of the online mom communities i'm a part of. look me up, i'm the offensive one. "i am not my mother" is simply a statement. i was reading a question about television and children and there were so many judgmental people out there who are like "don't do this if you want to be a good parent," or "you'll damage your child for life," and such. the point is, i am NOT my mother. you are not your mother, she is not her mother. we are different people. i may look like my mom sometimes, and my daughter may be a spitting image of me sometimes, but we are not the same. we are different. and i am glad. my mother is a wonderful person and i love her, but i am glad i was raised to be ME, and not a clone.
i will undoubtedly spend a great deal of time on this blog talking about my daughter, who i will probably refer to as lj most of the time. she is almost two months, and the light in my world. i also have a stepdaughter who i lovingly call "little miss" most of the time. she is three and we like to make cookies and crafts when we are together. i also have a husband. he is my go-to, my strength, and sometimes the source of my anger. my family consists of three of the four loves of my life...the fourth would probably be music. (or robert downey jr... you pick.) i love them with all of my heart and am so proud to be a part of this unit that i've wanted for my entire life.
some of my "friends" have said that becoming a mom has made me soft. sure, i caved in on the "i will not let my child sleep in my bed EVER," and the "i will not annoy people by talking consistently about my child," but i. have. not. gone. soft. i'm still me. i'm still rude, and crass, and perfectly disgusting sometimes. i will say that being a mom has opened my eyes. i didn't think i could love something so hard and so fast as i fell for my lj. the second i heard her first scream i remember looking at my husband and saying "that's the best sound in the world." then i screamed from behind the c-section curtain "it's a girl right? i have way too much pink shit in my house for a boy." see there? still me. the minute i saw her chubby little cheeks i was a goner. she screamed her way into my heart. she changes daily right now, and i love watching her every move. i don't want to miss anything. it's going to suck going back to work in a week.
i'm short and sweet for now. more on a new day, when its not 1:30 am and i should be sleeping while my baby sleeps. funny, my baby sleeps, i don't. are there any almighty parenting journals for that?
OUT.
first off, an explanation of the title. no offense, mom. as you will undoubtedly read this via my facebook page. i came up with this title as an offense to one of the online mom communities i'm a part of. look me up, i'm the offensive one. "i am not my mother" is simply a statement. i was reading a question about television and children and there were so many judgmental people out there who are like "don't do this if you want to be a good parent," or "you'll damage your child for life," and such. the point is, i am NOT my mother. you are not your mother, she is not her mother. we are different people. i may look like my mom sometimes, and my daughter may be a spitting image of me sometimes, but we are not the same. we are different. and i am glad. my mother is a wonderful person and i love her, but i am glad i was raised to be ME, and not a clone.
i will undoubtedly spend a great deal of time on this blog talking about my daughter, who i will probably refer to as lj most of the time. she is almost two months, and the light in my world. i also have a stepdaughter who i lovingly call "little miss" most of the time. she is three and we like to make cookies and crafts when we are together. i also have a husband. he is my go-to, my strength, and sometimes the source of my anger. my family consists of three of the four loves of my life...the fourth would probably be music. (or robert downey jr... you pick.) i love them with all of my heart and am so proud to be a part of this unit that i've wanted for my entire life.
some of my "friends" have said that becoming a mom has made me soft. sure, i caved in on the "i will not let my child sleep in my bed EVER," and the "i will not annoy people by talking consistently about my child," but i. have. not. gone. soft. i'm still me. i'm still rude, and crass, and perfectly disgusting sometimes. i will say that being a mom has opened my eyes. i didn't think i could love something so hard and so fast as i fell for my lj. the second i heard her first scream i remember looking at my husband and saying "that's the best sound in the world." then i screamed from behind the c-section curtain "it's a girl right? i have way too much pink shit in my house for a boy." see there? still me. the minute i saw her chubby little cheeks i was a goner. she screamed her way into my heart. she changes daily right now, and i love watching her every move. i don't want to miss anything. it's going to suck going back to work in a week.
i'm short and sweet for now. more on a new day, when its not 1:30 am and i should be sleeping while my baby sleeps. funny, my baby sleeps, i don't. are there any almighty parenting journals for that?
OUT.
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