the things i thought i knew

so i woke up at 255 this morning...baby's asleep next to me, i'm exhausted, husband is sick and thereby quarantined to the couch. i'm wide awake. yet exhausted. so i'm pondering and pondering and, since illicit drug use is frowned upon, i blog.

my daughter rolled over the ninth month mark and this is terrifying. she is growing way too fast. how do i make it stop? she is FULL of life. she is a little spit-fire of energy and attitude. tell her no, she laughs. what did i expect, really? her father is...her father. and i am her mother.

she consistently amazes me. i was sitting in bed with her (last night) and she was drinking a bottle and belched like her dad would. i mean, how did something so manly come out of this cute little red head? so, i call her "belchy" and she thinks this is hilarious. i love it when i entertain her. i feel like i'm returning the favor because she is always entertaining me.

i never would have thought nine months ago that i'd have such a joy of a child. what i mean to say is, i never fathomed how much being a mother would satisfy me. it quenches my thirst. it breathes life into me.

this has been a rough year. the car accident in april REALLY woke me up. i realized how fleeting life is. how replaceable "things" are, and what really matters in life are the people you love. nothing can touch that.

i've been struggling with depression. and have had a lot of anxiety since april. it got to a point a few weeks ago that everything i ate made me sick. i had lost weight (which, post partum, is not something usually frowned upon, but...) and it was making life really hard to be so unhappy all the time. i am not one for medication. i hate taking meds. and yet, seems like that was the only answer this time.

i gave in. i went to a doctor. i'm not a fan of doctors offices. though i know some FABULOUS people who are doctors, i'm still...not a fan. something about the sterilized air makes me hyperventillate i suppose. the doc i saw was not my regular, but one i have been to before and one i trust to treat me in a way that will improve the quality of my life. after all, that is what these people have dedicated their lives to.

i can say that the quality of my life has improved since then. its amazing how admitting you have a problem is the first step. my job normally makes me a basketcase by the time friday rolls around and is surprisingly bearable lately. i mean. i'd still vote for a five-day weekend and a three-day work week any hour of any day, but it's bearable and the money doesn't suck.

i have a good life. i have a beautiful daughter who keeps me on my toes. i have a husband who makes me laugh every day. an amazing stepdaughter who keeps us rolling, and more family support than should be legal. my love is strong, and all the small things are just that...small. nothing to worry about. nothing to lose sleep over. just small. and there are too many big things to rejoice in than to stress over the small...

sweet dreams...