weltschmerz

weltschmerz (VELT-shmairts) : noun, often capitalized
1: mental depression or apathy caused by comparison of the actual state of the world with an ideal state
 2: a mood of sentimental sadness

well, i said it was coming. i was talking to a friend earlier this week and said i was pndring a parenting blog. "all the shit no one tells you." i suppose i sort of still am. i was going to talk about how four teeth come in at once adn your little angel becomes godzilla with a vengeance. or that the smell it-change it rule only applies if your little monster is willing to be changed, otherwise, you better pull out your running shoes. or that you never know how much 85 wipes can be until you've picked them up one at a time in one room. and while toilet paper is an awesome modern convenience, it's not so much when your toddler has grabbed a roll by the end and walked the house with it, finding every semi-wet spot previously created by said toddler...

today i wake with a different mentality. lucy woke up early this morning, a teething godzilla. all she needed was a plug and a cuddle. she got situated once again and fell asleep with her arm around my neck, playing with my hair. i can't help this morning but think about mommas around who have lost babies recently. when i checked my email after sitting awake, contemplating, weltschmerz was my word of the day. it kind of expressed in one word how it made me feel to think of my world without my girls.

i think about people i don't know. like courtney roth who lost her little boy to EB, a terrifying condition that took him at just two years and eight months. about another mom i read about just a few months ago who lost her daughter to krabbe disease. about friends who have lost babies that they never met, about my own experiences. about jenny sturm, my best friend's little sister who got taken from this world at just ten years of brain cancer. of erin freeze, who was taken in the eighth grade. of travis allen who lost is life at just twenty.

we live in a sad world. we live in a world where babies get sick. where kids get sick. where adults live in fear of their babies getting sick. we live in a world where some parents truly understand love and some just don't get it. we live in a world where some "parents" can look at their kids and not feel every ounce of love available. we live in a world of murder and depression and the things that come with those. of adults who hurt kids. of kids who hurt kids.

we also live in a world of baby cuddles. a world where we can enjoy every moment. where we can trust amongst the chaos that our babies are being loved. where we work for a living. my living, my being, is my baby's smile. is my stepdaughter's joy. and i refuse to miss a moment of happiness because of the unhappiness in the world. love every moment. hug your babies tight. and think about the mothers and fathers who can't do that anymore.