maybe greys is getting to my head...or maybe i'm having an actual soft moment. don't judge me.
today started like any other. except that my husband is sick so he was home but quarantined to the front of the house. lj woke up at 4, which made for a half-awake feed after mommy stayed up until 130 making ridiculously offensive blog titles and posts. luckily she went back to sleep and slept til 9. thanks little girl. my ma in law came by around 1015 and we went to pick up some supplies for when she starts keeping lj next week when i go back to work. then we decided to stick it out and go to the mall and walk around til lunch time so i didn't have to sit at home with the sick, germ-infested love of my life. we walked around, scoffed at baby gap "sale" prices, then did the same at gymboree. then we had some chick-fil-a, and lj woke up and ate and we headed home.
got home and i could see that the front bathroom light was on and i half expected my husband to be lying in the floor sleeping or over the toilet barfing. i didn't see him, then was startled to see him in the tub. he hates baths. i knew he felt horrid. i convinced him to let me take him to the emergency care clinic so we packed lj up and took her over to her grandparents, and headed off to the first clinic. packed. no dice. i'm not sitting in germ-infested hell to not get seen for three hours. we could do that at the er. so we went to the sister clinic across town in the ghetto. woo! we put on our blue bandanas and set off. (not really. that might be a red neighborhood.) there was actually a chair or two available to sit in so we filled out our paper work and sat to wait.
it was annoying to be waiting, but it was good to be with my husband when he needed me. he felt lousy and me being there helped him feel a little better.
we go through motions every day and don't realize the importance of our every day actions. i got to spend a day with my husband, and even though he felt terrible and was fevered out of his mind, i got to spend the day with him. sick or not sick, i love spending time with him, taking care of him, worrying about him... after we got a diagnosis and prescriptions, i dropped him off at home, ran to the store and loaded up on popsicles and ice cream, and went to get my baby girl.
she was asleep on her papa's chest. she looked so peaceful and i realized that in all the hustle and bustle of the day, i hadn't cuddled with my baby girl all day. i grabbed her up and held her as tight as i could without suffocating her and just silently thanked everything good for her...for the chance to hold her in my arms.
i'm completely bummed about going back to work next week. my plan for this week was to spend as many moments as i could cuddling with my girl. i'm envious of moms who get to stay home and catch every smile, every laugh, first steps, cute burps and gassy smiles. i'm going to miss all of that. its unsettling but i made a commitment to a company that i'd be back to work. so i spent the evening cutting pictures for frames to put on my desk to remind myself of why i'm there. for her. for her sister. for my husband. my life has turned into the grind of the ordinary. i always hoped for something bigger in my life. always hoped for something great. and i get in my rut of complacency and realize that my bigger is right here in my arms. my something great is lying in the front bedroom sick. they are why i do the ordinary grind. they are my life purpose. and i wouldn't trade them for the world.
OUT.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
i am not my mother
i've done it. i've joined a real blogging community. just like every new mom out there, just like everyone who has a point to make. i did it, ok? get over it. be warned that i've been described negatively with words such as crass and rude. they're true. i have a foul mouth when needed, and i don't take people's judgments and suggestions as seriously as i should, oftentimes. i'm here for ME. to get things off my chest or to brag about my life. i have not gone soft.
first off, an explanation of the title. no offense, mom. as you will undoubtedly read this via my facebook page. i came up with this title as an offense to one of the online mom communities i'm a part of. look me up, i'm the offensive one. "i am not my mother" is simply a statement. i was reading a question about television and children and there were so many judgmental people out there who are like "don't do this if you want to be a good parent," or "you'll damage your child for life," and such. the point is, i am NOT my mother. you are not your mother, she is not her mother. we are different people. i may look like my mom sometimes, and my daughter may be a spitting image of me sometimes, but we are not the same. we are different. and i am glad. my mother is a wonderful person and i love her, but i am glad i was raised to be ME, and not a clone.
i will undoubtedly spend a great deal of time on this blog talking about my daughter, who i will probably refer to as lj most of the time. she is almost two months, and the light in my world. i also have a stepdaughter who i lovingly call "little miss" most of the time. she is three and we like to make cookies and crafts when we are together. i also have a husband. he is my go-to, my strength, and sometimes the source of my anger. my family consists of three of the four loves of my life...the fourth would probably be music. (or robert downey jr... you pick.) i love them with all of my heart and am so proud to be a part of this unit that i've wanted for my entire life.
some of my "friends" have said that becoming a mom has made me soft. sure, i caved in on the "i will not let my child sleep in my bed EVER," and the "i will not annoy people by talking consistently about my child," but i. have. not. gone. soft. i'm still me. i'm still rude, and crass, and perfectly disgusting sometimes. i will say that being a mom has opened my eyes. i didn't think i could love something so hard and so fast as i fell for my lj. the second i heard her first scream i remember looking at my husband and saying "that's the best sound in the world." then i screamed from behind the c-section curtain "it's a girl right? i have way too much pink shit in my house for a boy." see there? still me. the minute i saw her chubby little cheeks i was a goner. she screamed her way into my heart. she changes daily right now, and i love watching her every move. i don't want to miss anything. it's going to suck going back to work in a week.
i'm short and sweet for now. more on a new day, when its not 1:30 am and i should be sleeping while my baby sleeps. funny, my baby sleeps, i don't. are there any almighty parenting journals for that?
OUT.
first off, an explanation of the title. no offense, mom. as you will undoubtedly read this via my facebook page. i came up with this title as an offense to one of the online mom communities i'm a part of. look me up, i'm the offensive one. "i am not my mother" is simply a statement. i was reading a question about television and children and there were so many judgmental people out there who are like "don't do this if you want to be a good parent," or "you'll damage your child for life," and such. the point is, i am NOT my mother. you are not your mother, she is not her mother. we are different people. i may look like my mom sometimes, and my daughter may be a spitting image of me sometimes, but we are not the same. we are different. and i am glad. my mother is a wonderful person and i love her, but i am glad i was raised to be ME, and not a clone.
i will undoubtedly spend a great deal of time on this blog talking about my daughter, who i will probably refer to as lj most of the time. she is almost two months, and the light in my world. i also have a stepdaughter who i lovingly call "little miss" most of the time. she is three and we like to make cookies and crafts when we are together. i also have a husband. he is my go-to, my strength, and sometimes the source of my anger. my family consists of three of the four loves of my life...the fourth would probably be music. (or robert downey jr... you pick.) i love them with all of my heart and am so proud to be a part of this unit that i've wanted for my entire life.
some of my "friends" have said that becoming a mom has made me soft. sure, i caved in on the "i will not let my child sleep in my bed EVER," and the "i will not annoy people by talking consistently about my child," but i. have. not. gone. soft. i'm still me. i'm still rude, and crass, and perfectly disgusting sometimes. i will say that being a mom has opened my eyes. i didn't think i could love something so hard and so fast as i fell for my lj. the second i heard her first scream i remember looking at my husband and saying "that's the best sound in the world." then i screamed from behind the c-section curtain "it's a girl right? i have way too much pink shit in my house for a boy." see there? still me. the minute i saw her chubby little cheeks i was a goner. she screamed her way into my heart. she changes daily right now, and i love watching her every move. i don't want to miss anything. it's going to suck going back to work in a week.
i'm short and sweet for now. more on a new day, when its not 1:30 am and i should be sleeping while my baby sleeps. funny, my baby sleeps, i don't. are there any almighty parenting journals for that?
OUT.
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