life happens. i know we hear this a million or more times in our lives but it remains unheard so many of those times. life. it happens.
so much life has happened as of late i have neglected my writing (and music and probably other things too) and maybe i will start some things back up.
when my divorce was finalized last year i was in a seemingly good place in my life and my daughter and i were managing a new norm in our lives and we made things work for us. we descended into a normalcy of work-daycare-visitation and it seemed to be going just fine. i was trying to keep myself together and happy so that everything would be worth it. i got us a house and we found ourselves in a seemingly good and stable world.
i made some huge mistakes in that time. i made some decisions for myself personally that weren't what was best for her but they made me feel better about my situation and when truth finally came to the light i was able to step out of the situation, look on, decide what needed to be done and get out of it. best decision i ever made.
we finally were able to make a home-just my girl and her momma. she is my prize and i will do whatever it takes to make sure she is healthy and happy and safe. i am so proud of us for making our lives what we want it to be-what we needed it to be for so long.
i made a new friend at work during the summer. we quickly became inseparable and she did her best to get me into mingling with adults my age instead of sitting at home to mope alone when little red was with her dad. her family is amazing and she has been one of the best and most loyal friends i have ever known. (just a side note - hold on to these people in your life. you need them to restore your faith in humanity and in life in general.)
she introduced me to a friend of hers one night and we talked a little and made some sort of castle statue of the remnant bottles of the nights and also some random cell phones that were...lying on the table...?
he was pretty fun and entertaining. we met up a few more times and decided hey, we kinda like each other. i was hardly expecting anything serious in my life because my focus was a certain red head and nothing was going to break red and momma vs. the world.
well, as it goes. life happened. life, in the form of a tiny little unexpected blessing that we were so scared and unsure of at first but now are so excited to have.
i think his face turned white when i told him. i think he didn't speak for a good half-hour and stared into space. but when he did speak again his words were sweet, supportive. "i guess it is a good thing we kinda like each other." i knew that we would be ok. that he would be ok. that we would do this and make it work for our little belly dweller.
we went to that first appointment in shock. i saw that little flicker within the seahorse looking thing in my belly and fell in love...with the sea horse, and probably with his daddy too. he has held my hand thru every appointment, thru the needles - which i HATE! - and thru some random for-no-reason-at-all emotional breakdowns.
this man in my life has a good heart. i have seen him work hard night and day and help with things around the house and even with my parents' move to a new business that few would even begin to compare. he amazes me daily and his antics with my daughter are adorable - annoying at times - but i wouldn't change a thing. if he is scared of an instant family with a single mom he hasn't shown it. he took on a joint birthday party with my family and red's dad's family with ease and it was wonderful for everyone to be under the same roof and loving on our girl on her special day.
i am thankful every day that life happens. because it turns out it is exactly what we needed to find our little pocket of happiness in this world. red and i couldn't ask for a better person to share it with and now brother will be joining us around june and we are so happy to be a family and have laughter in our home again, pictures on the walls, and a goofball to share in the chaos.
happy vday goofball. we love you very much.
Friday, February 13, 2015
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
separation anxiety...
it's been a while. this is hard for me to write, and i'm trying to stay sensitive to the situation at hand, and maintain integrity for myself, my daughter, and the other people involved. but i have to write this.
i took a job in my hometown in august and goose and i stayed with my parents for long enough to find a house to live in. we wanted a better life, away from distractions in our old town, away from the big schools that she would have been in in our old town, away from the temptations so we could focus on our family. away from a miserable job that was slowly driving this momma crazy. goose and i made the move and her dad joined us in october when i found a house to rent. things were going well it seemed and we were settling in fairly soundly. it was good to be home. it was good to be able to have lunch with my mom. it was good to have a job that i enjoy. i was happy.
our lives took a different turn last week. i won't go into detail because i'm not one to hash my trash online, so we will just leave it at "differences in personality" and say that i filed for divorce. there was a lot of fighting and i was beginning to take all my stress out by yelling. a lot. i didn't like who i was. i didn't like the mother i was becoming. i had become that mom who yells. i had become that mom who secluded herself so she wouldn't yell. i had become that mom who started to resent life.
her dad and i have had rough times in the past. we have had rough times before we married and after we married and before she got here and after she got here. i chalked it up to being married. nothing is always going to be daisies and rainbows. i still care for him very much and hope that he can be the best dad possible to his two daughters. and i know he will be. i know he will do his best to raise them and show them a father's love. but i realized and he realized and we realized that our best for them is not what we have now.
it is heartbreaking. for me. for him. for his family. for my family. for our friends. especially for the girls. but this is what is best. i hate that this had to come the week before christmas. i hate that it had to happen like this at all. i would hate it more if these two little girls learn that dysfunction is normal and choose that when they choose a future spouse. i hate that our fighting has become our normalcy and i hate that it has come between a friendship that used to be unbreakable.
i set out to marry my best friend when i did marry. i loved him and his daughter more than anything on this earth. when our daughter was born, she completed me. i thought my heart would overflow. and then, somewhere along the road, something changed. maybe it was the stress of being a mother, or the stress of being a stepmother and a mother to two children who had two different sets of rules. maybe it was the stress of having a job where i got yelled at 80 times a day. i tried to fix that with the job change and it did help for a while.
i have a deep fear of disappointing the people in my life that i care about, which is why this decision has been so hard for me. i don't want to disappoint my parents who have taught me that marriage is for life, or my daughter who has taught me the meaning of true, unconditional love. i don't want to disappoint my church or my extended family or our mutual friends.
i also have a deep fear of not living my life right. to steal a quote from emerson,
"i must be myself. i cannot break myself any longer for you, or you. if you cannot love me for what i am, we shall be the happier. if you cannot, i will still seek to deserve that you should. if you are noble, i will love you; if you are not, i will not hurt you and myself by hypocritical attentions."
i must find myself again. i must figure out who i am meant to be. i cannot live my life with regret. my daughter is my prize and i am beyond blessed to have her. but i must work toward being the mother she needs and the person she can come to with anything and everything.
i must have faith. in love, in life, in happiness, in family, and in time. i must believe that time can heal my wounds. that time can heal and repair our friendship in order for goose to have parents who are able to work together to give her the happy life she deserves.
i took a job in my hometown in august and goose and i stayed with my parents for long enough to find a house to live in. we wanted a better life, away from distractions in our old town, away from the big schools that she would have been in in our old town, away from the temptations so we could focus on our family. away from a miserable job that was slowly driving this momma crazy. goose and i made the move and her dad joined us in october when i found a house to rent. things were going well it seemed and we were settling in fairly soundly. it was good to be home. it was good to be able to have lunch with my mom. it was good to have a job that i enjoy. i was happy.
our lives took a different turn last week. i won't go into detail because i'm not one to hash my trash online, so we will just leave it at "differences in personality" and say that i filed for divorce. there was a lot of fighting and i was beginning to take all my stress out by yelling. a lot. i didn't like who i was. i didn't like the mother i was becoming. i had become that mom who yells. i had become that mom who secluded herself so she wouldn't yell. i had become that mom who started to resent life.
her dad and i have had rough times in the past. we have had rough times before we married and after we married and before she got here and after she got here. i chalked it up to being married. nothing is always going to be daisies and rainbows. i still care for him very much and hope that he can be the best dad possible to his two daughters. and i know he will be. i know he will do his best to raise them and show them a father's love. but i realized and he realized and we realized that our best for them is not what we have now.
it is heartbreaking. for me. for him. for his family. for my family. for our friends. especially for the girls. but this is what is best. i hate that this had to come the week before christmas. i hate that it had to happen like this at all. i would hate it more if these two little girls learn that dysfunction is normal and choose that when they choose a future spouse. i hate that our fighting has become our normalcy and i hate that it has come between a friendship that used to be unbreakable.
i set out to marry my best friend when i did marry. i loved him and his daughter more than anything on this earth. when our daughter was born, she completed me. i thought my heart would overflow. and then, somewhere along the road, something changed. maybe it was the stress of being a mother, or the stress of being a stepmother and a mother to two children who had two different sets of rules. maybe it was the stress of having a job where i got yelled at 80 times a day. i tried to fix that with the job change and it did help for a while.
i have a deep fear of disappointing the people in my life that i care about, which is why this decision has been so hard for me. i don't want to disappoint my parents who have taught me that marriage is for life, or my daughter who has taught me the meaning of true, unconditional love. i don't want to disappoint my church or my extended family or our mutual friends.
i also have a deep fear of not living my life right. to steal a quote from emerson,
"i must be myself. i cannot break myself any longer for you, or you. if you cannot love me for what i am, we shall be the happier. if you cannot, i will still seek to deserve that you should. if you are noble, i will love you; if you are not, i will not hurt you and myself by hypocritical attentions."
i must find myself again. i must figure out who i am meant to be. i cannot live my life with regret. my daughter is my prize and i am beyond blessed to have her. but i must work toward being the mother she needs and the person she can come to with anything and everything.
i must have faith. in love, in life, in happiness, in family, and in time. i must believe that time can heal my wounds. that time can heal and repair our friendship in order for goose to have parents who are able to work together to give her the happy life she deserves.
Monday, February 4, 2013
jesus loves strippers.
i know, some of you are reading this because of the title. some of you are offended. some of you are just wondering what in the hell i'm thinking right now. i just got back from my monthly women's group meeting for church and there was this girl there who was talking about her ministry "jesus said love." i was looking at her products from across the room at dinner and what stuck out was this t-shirt that said "jesus loves strippers." this caught my interest. i had no idea that i would love her message.
her ministry, jesus said love, is amazing. she's helping a group of people who have been outcasted from the church for so long that they were shocked that "christians" wanted to help them with no strings attached. they give gift bags to dancers at a few clubs here in town and in a few surrounding towns. no tracts, no message of fire and brimstone, just LOVE. they help these women who have estranged families, who have lost relationships, who have criminal histories, who are working women struggling to make ends meet in an effort of love.
now don't stop reading because i'm talking about strippers. also don't stop reading because i'm talking jesus. i haven't talked jesus in a LONG time. i haven't felt jesus in a long time. and i feel like maybe i was supposed to be in that room tonight because this is my greater good this year. i'm looking forward to being a part of this group. i'm looking forward to teaching women that there's hope and that they are loved and beautiful. when i started going to church in waco, i visited a few places and ended up marrying into central christian, which is the first place i've felt at home in a long time. they didn't care or know who i had been, they cared that i was there and they wanted me there. i hadn't felt at home in a place since i had been in zeta in college.
it has been a long time since i was interested in a particular ministry, but this girl, EMILY MILLS, is amazing and has such a beautiful heart. maybe they have room from a rude, crude person like me to show love to some people who don't know love. i'm looking forward to the chance.
i was put off for a long time with people who wanted to "witness" to me. i met a lot of wonderful people through the churches i went to over the past few years, but i felt like they all just wanted to "plant a seed" and leave. newsflash, that seed was planted when i was born. i grew up in church. i went to private baptist college. i led worship. i tried my hand at a christian music record. i'm home here. and it's high time i get involved with something more than the toddler class. i'm excited about the possibilities.
so here's to love. no matter who you love or who you show love, or in who's name you DO love, just do it. just LOVE.
her ministry, jesus said love, is amazing. she's helping a group of people who have been outcasted from the church for so long that they were shocked that "christians" wanted to help them with no strings attached. they give gift bags to dancers at a few clubs here in town and in a few surrounding towns. no tracts, no message of fire and brimstone, just LOVE. they help these women who have estranged families, who have lost relationships, who have criminal histories, who are working women struggling to make ends meet in an effort of love.
now don't stop reading because i'm talking about strippers. also don't stop reading because i'm talking jesus. i haven't talked jesus in a LONG time. i haven't felt jesus in a long time. and i feel like maybe i was supposed to be in that room tonight because this is my greater good this year. i'm looking forward to being a part of this group. i'm looking forward to teaching women that there's hope and that they are loved and beautiful. when i started going to church in waco, i visited a few places and ended up marrying into central christian, which is the first place i've felt at home in a long time. they didn't care or know who i had been, they cared that i was there and they wanted me there. i hadn't felt at home in a place since i had been in zeta in college.
it has been a long time since i was interested in a particular ministry, but this girl, EMILY MILLS, is amazing and has such a beautiful heart. maybe they have room from a rude, crude person like me to show love to some people who don't know love. i'm looking forward to the chance.
i was put off for a long time with people who wanted to "witness" to me. i met a lot of wonderful people through the churches i went to over the past few years, but i felt like they all just wanted to "plant a seed" and leave. newsflash, that seed was planted when i was born. i grew up in church. i went to private baptist college. i led worship. i tried my hand at a christian music record. i'm home here. and it's high time i get involved with something more than the toddler class. i'm excited about the possibilities.
so here's to love. no matter who you love or who you show love, or in who's name you DO love, just do it. just LOVE.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
january is over.
january is over....
“Today I will do what others won’t, so tomorrow I can accomplish what others can’t.” – Jerry Rice
i saw this quote last week and it was very motivational. throughout the month of january, my goal was to cut soda. that was my only true "goal" for the month. i drank my last soda on january 1. i have not had a SIP of soda since. i've had water and tea (mostly unsweet).
this year, i want to be healthy. i want to make good choices so that i can make life better for myself and for my family. i want to be able to play with my daughter, instead of writhing in pain all the time. i've started drinking more water, i walked around a mile five days a week for the past three weeks. i've been addressing the pain in my back instead of my weak attempts at ignoring it and i'm feeling better. i've also lost five pounds.
i'd say i'm off to a good start. i've had ups and downs emotionally, but overall, january was a step in the right direction. i played guitar one afternoon, tackled some sewing projects, and i cooked more at home (and my husband ate it!!!). i've attempted to kind of jump start some of the other yearly goals this month, but my main one was the soda. i have cravings daily for a vat of dr. pepper. i had a couple of really terrible days this month and was tempted to give up. i was tempted to just have a small soda, but i didn't. in the past i would have had a coke or a pepsi, so i wasn't having dr. pepper, but i was still drinking soda. i did NOT cheat.
i downloaded the loseit app and have been tracking my food choices to motivate me to stay focused. i had a few days that i went over my limit, but overall i'm happy with how i did this month.
what's to come? after i post this blog, i plan on opening one of the books i started a few years back and doing some reading so i can contemplate some writing. i'm drinking a nice big bottle of water and might hop on my mom's road to nowhere bike and get some exercise in before the chaos of the day officially begins.
“Today I will do what others won’t, so tomorrow I can accomplish what others can’t.” – Jerry Rice
i saw this quote last week and it was very motivational. throughout the month of january, my goal was to cut soda. that was my only true "goal" for the month. i drank my last soda on january 1. i have not had a SIP of soda since. i've had water and tea (mostly unsweet).
this year, i want to be healthy. i want to make good choices so that i can make life better for myself and for my family. i want to be able to play with my daughter, instead of writhing in pain all the time. i've started drinking more water, i walked around a mile five days a week for the past three weeks. i've been addressing the pain in my back instead of my weak attempts at ignoring it and i'm feeling better. i've also lost five pounds.
i'd say i'm off to a good start. i've had ups and downs emotionally, but overall, january was a step in the right direction. i played guitar one afternoon, tackled some sewing projects, and i cooked more at home (and my husband ate it!!!). i've attempted to kind of jump start some of the other yearly goals this month, but my main one was the soda. i have cravings daily for a vat of dr. pepper. i had a couple of really terrible days this month and was tempted to give up. i was tempted to just have a small soda, but i didn't. in the past i would have had a coke or a pepsi, so i wasn't having dr. pepper, but i was still drinking soda. i did NOT cheat.
i downloaded the loseit app and have been tracking my food choices to motivate me to stay focused. i had a few days that i went over my limit, but overall i'm happy with how i did this month.
what's to come? after i post this blog, i plan on opening one of the books i started a few years back and doing some reading so i can contemplate some writing. i'm drinking a nice big bottle of water and might hop on my mom's road to nowhere bike and get some exercise in before the chaos of the day officially begins.
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
life changes....
this time of year is full of resolutions and goals and wishes and dreams that never come true for many of their creators. i've stayed away from resolutions in the past because i know me. this year, i didn't make resolutions. i made twelve mini-goals to build on each one before each month. i made it a point to not tie any of these to weight loss or direct money numbers because i'm really bad about getting discouraged. i'm taking on an "every little bit counts" standpoint this year. and it's big for me to write something down and stick to it. i'm actually excited. the following things are things that i've struggled with the past year personally.
i'm addicted to soda. i've kicked the habit in the past but i rationalize new beginnings with it by telling myself "you didn't get much sleep last night. you need the caffeine." or, it's friday. or, you had a bad week. no more rationalizing. no more buts. i need less soda in my life. it's toxic. my plan is to stick to water and tea, and, if need be, coffee once in a while.
i'm terrible at saving. i'm bad about coming across something unexpected and pulling from my savings account to cover it. better planning and budgeting an alotted savings amount has already been implemented. i. must. not. touch. it.
junk. whether it's food, attitude or clutter around my house, my life is full of junk. i need a makeover. i grab junk food when i've had a bad day. i grab junk to snack on. i need it out of my house and out of my life. my attitude gets junky most weeks at least once. i need to let things go. this will help my junky attitude. there's too much junk in my house - stuff i don't use or need and i need to slough it off in order to bring structure to the chaos that is my life.
i wrote a book and have three in progress. i need to finish those. and i need to share more. writing things down keeps me sane.
i'm addicted to spending. i can nickle and dime what's left of my paycheck to death! i will be working on a weekly "allowance" system and sticking to a list when grocery shopping.
more music. my life used to be FULL of music. i haven't played my guitar in a really long time. there's a show coming up that my mom wrote and she wants me to play guitar in it. this is my inspiration *make time. heart-deep.* i want my daughter to develop a love of music like i had/have. i also want to create more, meaning my crafties and sewing and such.
less stuff. i plan on purging the crap in my home and having a garage sale and putting that money into savings. i have things i need to let go of.
we eat out or at my in-laws a LOT. i need to cook more. i need to teach my girls that family is important, and that dinner time is family time. i had this growing up and it was special time for us to talk about our days.
less media time. this means that instead of retreating to my room and turning on the tv when i get home, that i will play with my daughter or spend time with my husband. instead of turning on my computer or playing on my phone for the hours that i'm home, i will be spending time with baby jayne and her daddy. i can facebook about how much i love her and blog about how much i love her until i'm blue in the face, but she can't read. she only sees action now. i need to be active.
i love to read. i rarely find time to do it. i will read more.
i've always been more on the negative side of the spectrum personality wise than on the positive. i need to be thankful for what i have. i need to be less negative. my whole life feeds off of my attitude and when that attitude sucks, so does my life. (i will, however, continue with my sarcastic antics. :))
i want to do something to help another person. i want to be more selfless. i want to turn negative energy into positive energy and my heart is in a better place when i'm showing kindness to others. it doesn't happen as often as it should.
so, there it is. there's my plan for 2013. making a better person. making family more of a family and less of a network and job. and cutting the negative and increasing the positive.
TAMS 12 STEPS to BEING A BETTER PERSON
Jan – less soda
Feb – more savings
March – less junk (food, attitude, clutter)
April – write more
May – less spending
June – more music (guitar, creating)
July – less stuff (purge the crap that we never use)
August – eat at home more (learn to cook goodJ)
September – less media time (spend more time with FAMILY than on phone/computer/tv)
October – more reading
November – less negativity (being more thankful)
December – do something to help others.
do something to improve yourself this year. doesn't have to be big. just do it.
happy new year guys.
i'm addicted to soda. i've kicked the habit in the past but i rationalize new beginnings with it by telling myself "you didn't get much sleep last night. you need the caffeine." or, it's friday. or, you had a bad week. no more rationalizing. no more buts. i need less soda in my life. it's toxic. my plan is to stick to water and tea, and, if need be, coffee once in a while.
i'm terrible at saving. i'm bad about coming across something unexpected and pulling from my savings account to cover it. better planning and budgeting an alotted savings amount has already been implemented. i. must. not. touch. it.
junk. whether it's food, attitude or clutter around my house, my life is full of junk. i need a makeover. i grab junk food when i've had a bad day. i grab junk to snack on. i need it out of my house and out of my life. my attitude gets junky most weeks at least once. i need to let things go. this will help my junky attitude. there's too much junk in my house - stuff i don't use or need and i need to slough it off in order to bring structure to the chaos that is my life.
i wrote a book and have three in progress. i need to finish those. and i need to share more. writing things down keeps me sane.
i'm addicted to spending. i can nickle and dime what's left of my paycheck to death! i will be working on a weekly "allowance" system and sticking to a list when grocery shopping.
more music. my life used to be FULL of music. i haven't played my guitar in a really long time. there's a show coming up that my mom wrote and she wants me to play guitar in it. this is my inspiration *make time. heart-deep.* i want my daughter to develop a love of music like i had/have. i also want to create more, meaning my crafties and sewing and such.
less stuff. i plan on purging the crap in my home and having a garage sale and putting that money into savings. i have things i need to let go of.
we eat out or at my in-laws a LOT. i need to cook more. i need to teach my girls that family is important, and that dinner time is family time. i had this growing up and it was special time for us to talk about our days.
less media time. this means that instead of retreating to my room and turning on the tv when i get home, that i will play with my daughter or spend time with my husband. instead of turning on my computer or playing on my phone for the hours that i'm home, i will be spending time with baby jayne and her daddy. i can facebook about how much i love her and blog about how much i love her until i'm blue in the face, but she can't read. she only sees action now. i need to be active.
i love to read. i rarely find time to do it. i will read more.
i've always been more on the negative side of the spectrum personality wise than on the positive. i need to be thankful for what i have. i need to be less negative. my whole life feeds off of my attitude and when that attitude sucks, so does my life. (i will, however, continue with my sarcastic antics. :))
i want to do something to help another person. i want to be more selfless. i want to turn negative energy into positive energy and my heart is in a better place when i'm showing kindness to others. it doesn't happen as often as it should.
so, there it is. there's my plan for 2013. making a better person. making family more of a family and less of a network and job. and cutting the negative and increasing the positive.
TAMS 12 STEPS to BEING A BETTER PERSON
Jan – less soda
Feb – more savings
March – less junk (food, attitude, clutter)
April – write more
May – less spending
June – more music (guitar, creating)
July – less stuff (purge the crap that we never use)
August – eat at home more (learn to cook goodJ)
September – less media time (spend more time with FAMILY than on phone/computer/tv)
October – more reading
November – less negativity (being more thankful)
December – do something to help others.
do something to improve yourself this year. doesn't have to be big. just do it.
happy new year guys.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
healing
today, on this eve of my 29th year of life, i reminisce. i wonder. i'm happy. i'm sad.
it's hard to believe that seven years ago tomorrow, i was in the midst of the worst day of my life. my biggest heartbreak. my reaching up to rock bottom. goodbyes are hard. part of me knew when i got a call on the 23rd of december seven years ago to come to louisiana to say goodbye that he would go on my birthday. i remember calling my mom, too shocked to cry telling her we needed to go NOW. i remember holding his hand. playing him one last song on the guitar. doing my best to keep it together, for him, for me, for his dad, for my mom. i was losing the biggest part of my life. the part of my life i had spent six years loving.
the morning of the 28th i was back at work and my phone rang. when i saw my mom's name pop up, i knew. i knew i'd miss him forever. i knew that every day i would think of him. i didn't know how i would go on. i didn't know how to survive when he wasn't there to love, to care for.
in retrospect, i know that a lot of things in my life would have been a lot harder if i hadn't lost him when i was so young. it seems most of my late teens/early twenties was plagued with the death of people i loved. it made me strong. they made me strong. they still make me strong.
in the midst of my rock bottom of losing him, i met someone. someone else who changed my life. i met him at the wrong time. we were so right, but i wasn't done healing. i wasn't over it, not that i'll ever be. i wasn't done falling apart. and i had to fall apart to be made whole again.
some days i wonder if part of my soul will always want for what could never be. i'm so beyond blessed in my life today. i am happy that somehow along the way i did something right to deserve this life.
i wanted so much for my life. here i am, a year and a day away from the big 3-0, and i have to say that i am exactly where i want to be, even if i had to endure some curves and some heartache along the way. those curves, those heartaches made me who i am, and brought me here, to this place, with a beautiful daughter who is so full of spunk and life. i sold myself short when i dreamed of her, she is so much more than i ever wished for. more than i ever thought possible. she is beautiful and smart, energetic and full of heart. i have a job that pays the bills and puts more than enough food on the table. i have a family who is second to none.
i always miss my allen (and bull) family. i always love them. and every day, especially on this day, i think of them fondly, dearly, and with all of my heart. i'll never forget the shy boy on the steps of church camp who couldn't get the nerve to ask out an older girl. the same boy with whom i spent his last days loving with my whole heart, singing to sleep, and praying for to heal. i'll never forget that boy who taught me to love, who taught me strength and weakness, who taught me that it's ok to hurt, and cry. who taught me how to dream. but most of all, who taught me that it's ok to be ok when things are beyond your control.
i finally feel like i'm healing. i'm hoping to pick up my guitar again soon. i'm hoping to play my daughter songs and fill our home with music like mine was growing up. i want her to sing and dance, and know that part of me. i managed christmas this year without a complete and total meltdown. baby steps. we don't heal at once. sometimes it takes a while. i'm happy to be ending this chapter known as my twenties. i'm ready for my next chapter, ready to meet the challenge. ready to embrace it with open arms. ready to heal. ready to be ok.
and finally, i am. i am ok.
it's hard to believe that seven years ago tomorrow, i was in the midst of the worst day of my life. my biggest heartbreak. my reaching up to rock bottom. goodbyes are hard. part of me knew when i got a call on the 23rd of december seven years ago to come to louisiana to say goodbye that he would go on my birthday. i remember calling my mom, too shocked to cry telling her we needed to go NOW. i remember holding his hand. playing him one last song on the guitar. doing my best to keep it together, for him, for me, for his dad, for my mom. i was losing the biggest part of my life. the part of my life i had spent six years loving.
the morning of the 28th i was back at work and my phone rang. when i saw my mom's name pop up, i knew. i knew i'd miss him forever. i knew that every day i would think of him. i didn't know how i would go on. i didn't know how to survive when he wasn't there to love, to care for.
in retrospect, i know that a lot of things in my life would have been a lot harder if i hadn't lost him when i was so young. it seems most of my late teens/early twenties was plagued with the death of people i loved. it made me strong. they made me strong. they still make me strong.
in the midst of my rock bottom of losing him, i met someone. someone else who changed my life. i met him at the wrong time. we were so right, but i wasn't done healing. i wasn't over it, not that i'll ever be. i wasn't done falling apart. and i had to fall apart to be made whole again.
some days i wonder if part of my soul will always want for what could never be. i'm so beyond blessed in my life today. i am happy that somehow along the way i did something right to deserve this life.
i wanted so much for my life. here i am, a year and a day away from the big 3-0, and i have to say that i am exactly where i want to be, even if i had to endure some curves and some heartache along the way. those curves, those heartaches made me who i am, and brought me here, to this place, with a beautiful daughter who is so full of spunk and life. i sold myself short when i dreamed of her, she is so much more than i ever wished for. more than i ever thought possible. she is beautiful and smart, energetic and full of heart. i have a job that pays the bills and puts more than enough food on the table. i have a family who is second to none.
i always miss my allen (and bull) family. i always love them. and every day, especially on this day, i think of them fondly, dearly, and with all of my heart. i'll never forget the shy boy on the steps of church camp who couldn't get the nerve to ask out an older girl. the same boy with whom i spent his last days loving with my whole heart, singing to sleep, and praying for to heal. i'll never forget that boy who taught me to love, who taught me strength and weakness, who taught me that it's ok to hurt, and cry. who taught me how to dream. but most of all, who taught me that it's ok to be ok when things are beyond your control.
i finally feel like i'm healing. i'm hoping to pick up my guitar again soon. i'm hoping to play my daughter songs and fill our home with music like mine was growing up. i want her to sing and dance, and know that part of me. i managed christmas this year without a complete and total meltdown. baby steps. we don't heal at once. sometimes it takes a while. i'm happy to be ending this chapter known as my twenties. i'm ready for my next chapter, ready to meet the challenge. ready to embrace it with open arms. ready to heal. ready to be ok.
and finally, i am. i am ok.
Monday, December 24, 2012
White Trash Night Before Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas an' all thru the park, wasn't nuttin to hear, 'cept a mew, and a bark.
The stockings were hung by the fake fireplace, in hopes that ol' fat guy would soon show his face.
The kids was asleep with the little tv on, and screen doors were slamming, the flying pigs on the lawn.
Mimi in the kitchen was finishing the pie, and papa was online tossing the die.
When out in the street there came a loud crash,
They'd hoped the ol' cats weren't into the trash.
When they looked out the winder they gasped dern right heavy,
They thought the drunk neighbor done crashed his ol' Chevy.
The street light shone down on the pavement below, gave just enough light to the crash scene down low.
When what to their baffled brains did appear,
But a ol' beat up sled, led by eight ten-point deer.
The little ol' driver snubbed out his last cig, I wondered how fat man got up on that rig.
Mo' fast than the police his curses they came. He coughed and he choked as he called them by name.
Dern dasher and dancer, git on prancer and vixen. Git on Comet and Cupid, now Donner and Blitzen.
To the end of the street and over the wall, Git on you ol' reindeer, git over, ya all!
Gravel and dust like a ternader did fly, got to the ol' brick wall, and was up in the sky.
Above metal rooftops those derned reindeer flew with that beat up ol' sled, an' ol' fat boy too.
And then in a flash was heard on the roof, the scuffles and clumsy of all them dern hooves.
Put their heads in the door and was turnin' around when thru the big picture winder, fat boy came with a bound.
He was dressed all in red 'cept his hair and his boots and that suit was all dirty with ashes and soot.
A bag full of presents he swung right around and looked like a burgler 'bout to make his first round.
His eyes sorta twinkled and his dimples would kill ya, looked like he'd been dippin' 'to papa's tequila.
His lips was drawn up into a right smile and the beard on his chin was as long as a mile!
The butt of a cig held tight 'tween his teeth, and the smoke done made smelly the new Christmas wreath.
He had a round face and a big round belly, shook the house when he laughed like a jar o' Mimi's jelly.
He looked fat and hungry that ol' Christmas crook, knew his ol' lady back home musta been a good cook.
He winked right away and turned his fat neck They knew about then wasn't nuttin' to fret.
He said not a word and went on to his job, filled all the stockings and turned with a nod. Packages flung under the tree that did twinkle, then out in a flash back thru the winder.
He climbed in his sled and cursed them to go, bet he was wishin' the south got some snow. Heard him yell loud as he drove to the sky, "Happy Christmas ya all and have a good night!"
The stockings were hung by the fake fireplace, in hopes that ol' fat guy would soon show his face.
The kids was asleep with the little tv on, and screen doors were slamming, the flying pigs on the lawn.
Mimi in the kitchen was finishing the pie, and papa was online tossing the die.
When out in the street there came a loud crash,
They'd hoped the ol' cats weren't into the trash.
When they looked out the winder they gasped dern right heavy,
They thought the drunk neighbor done crashed his ol' Chevy.
The street light shone down on the pavement below, gave just enough light to the crash scene down low.
When what to their baffled brains did appear,
But a ol' beat up sled, led by eight ten-point deer.
The little ol' driver snubbed out his last cig, I wondered how fat man got up on that rig.
Mo' fast than the police his curses they came. He coughed and he choked as he called them by name.
Dern dasher and dancer, git on prancer and vixen. Git on Comet and Cupid, now Donner and Blitzen.
To the end of the street and over the wall, Git on you ol' reindeer, git over, ya all!
Gravel and dust like a ternader did fly, got to the ol' brick wall, and was up in the sky.
Above metal rooftops those derned reindeer flew with that beat up ol' sled, an' ol' fat boy too.
And then in a flash was heard on the roof, the scuffles and clumsy of all them dern hooves.
Put their heads in the door and was turnin' around when thru the big picture winder, fat boy came with a bound.
He was dressed all in red 'cept his hair and his boots and that suit was all dirty with ashes and soot.
A bag full of presents he swung right around and looked like a burgler 'bout to make his first round.
His eyes sorta twinkled and his dimples would kill ya, looked like he'd been dippin' 'to papa's tequila.
His lips was drawn up into a right smile and the beard on his chin was as long as a mile!
The butt of a cig held tight 'tween his teeth, and the smoke done made smelly the new Christmas wreath.
He had a round face and a big round belly, shook the house when he laughed like a jar o' Mimi's jelly.
He looked fat and hungry that ol' Christmas crook, knew his ol' lady back home musta been a good cook.
He winked right away and turned his fat neck They knew about then wasn't nuttin' to fret.
He said not a word and went on to his job, filled all the stockings and turned with a nod. Packages flung under the tree that did twinkle, then out in a flash back thru the winder.
He climbed in his sled and cursed them to go, bet he was wishin' the south got some snow. Heard him yell loud as he drove to the sky, "Happy Christmas ya all and have a good night!"
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