healing

today, on this eve of my 29th year of life, i reminisce. i wonder. i'm happy. i'm sad.

it's hard to believe that seven years ago tomorrow, i was in the midst of the worst day of my life. my biggest heartbreak. my reaching up to rock bottom. goodbyes are hard. part of me knew when i got a call on the 23rd of december seven years ago to come to louisiana to say goodbye that he would go on my birthday. i remember calling my mom, too shocked to cry telling her we needed to go NOW. i remember holding his hand. playing him one last song on the guitar. doing my best to keep it together, for him, for me, for his dad, for my mom. i was losing the biggest part of my life. the part of my life i had spent six years loving.

the morning of the 28th i was back at work and my phone rang. when i saw my mom's name pop up, i knew. i knew i'd miss him forever. i knew that every day i would think of him. i didn't know how i would go on. i didn't know how to survive when he wasn't there to love, to care for.

in retrospect, i know that a lot of things in my life would have been a lot harder if i hadn't lost him when i was so young. it seems most of my late teens/early twenties was plagued with the death of people i loved. it made me strong. they made me strong. they still make me strong.

in the midst of my rock bottom of losing him, i met someone. someone else who changed my life. i met him at the wrong time. we were so right, but i wasn't done healing. i wasn't over it, not that i'll ever be. i wasn't done falling apart. and i had to fall apart to be made whole again.

some days i wonder if part of my soul will always want for what could never be. i'm so beyond blessed in my life today. i am happy that somehow along the way i did something right to deserve this life.

i wanted so much for my life. here i am, a year and a day away from the big 3-0, and i have to say that i am exactly where i want to be, even if i had to endure some curves and some heartache along the way. those curves, those heartaches made me who i am, and brought me here, to this place, with a beautiful daughter who is so full of spunk and life. i sold myself short when i dreamed of her, she is so much more than i ever wished for. more than i ever thought possible. she is beautiful and smart, energetic and full of heart. i have a job that pays the bills and puts more than enough food on the table. i have a family who is second to none.

i always miss my allen (and bull) family. i always love them. and every day, especially on this day, i think of them fondly, dearly, and with all of my heart. i'll never forget the shy boy on the steps of church camp who couldn't get the nerve to ask out an older girl. the same boy with whom i spent his last days loving with my whole heart, singing to sleep, and praying for to heal. i'll never forget that boy who taught me to love, who taught me strength and weakness, who taught me that it's ok to hurt, and cry. who taught me how to dream. but most of all, who taught me that it's ok to be ok when things are beyond your control.

i finally feel like i'm healing. i'm hoping to pick up my guitar again soon. i'm hoping to play my daughter songs and fill our home with music like mine was growing up. i want her to sing and dance, and know that part of me. i managed christmas this year without a complete and total meltdown. baby steps. we don't heal at once. sometimes it takes a while. i'm happy to be ending this chapter known as my twenties. i'm ready for my next chapter, ready to meet the challenge. ready to embrace it with open arms. ready to heal. ready to be ok.

and finally, i am. i am ok.