this sort of explains me these days. i mean, i know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is something more than this life. but, being human, with free will, i can't help but doubt that it is what everyone thinks it is. i'm unsure. let me explain (mom).
it's EASY to believe in something when things are going wrong because we NEED something to believe in. it's EASY to believe in something when things are going well because things are fine.
but what about the hum-drum, monotony of human life? where do we forget? where do we remember?
i can't look at my daughter and NOT believe in something big. something that creates a baby from a single cell, perfectly forms a little human out of two parts of bigger humans. i looked at my daughter for the first time and felt incredibly blessed.
i once had this incredible faith in god. not saying that i've jumped ship, and not asking for sympathy or not trying to worry anyone, i'm just saying that it's been a long road. it's been a bumpy road. i'm not saying "poor me, look at what i've been through." this is not a cry for salvation. this is not a holier than thou declaration. it's merely late night thoughts on paper, that i've been pondering for quite some time.
i know there would be (and probably IS) disappointment daily in who i have become. i know there's also pride from some for who i have become.
i hope that someday i make my daughter proud. i hope that someday my daughter can ask me honest questions about faith, about god, about doubt, about life, about death, about life after death, about where we go and what we do and i hope that i don't tell her the wrong thing. i realize that i don't pray like i should, i don't believe like i should, i don't talk like i should, but who sets those bars? a preacher? a teacher? a father? a mother? a grandparent? a higher being?
my heart hurts when i hear something bad is happening to anyone. i don't give the standard "i'll pray for you" when i hear that anymore. i've learned that that isn't what people want to hear. people want something genuine. people want something real and me telling someone i will pray for them would probably scare most of the people i know. why? because i've learned that some people really mean it when they say i'll pray for you, but a lot of people don't. i never know what to say, because, in reality, (and this sounds horrible) i probably won't pray. i might send a thought. i might pause and have some silence and i feel like that is enough. i feel like my creator, who made and knows my heart, knows what my silence speaks, knows my thoughts are sometimes a cry for help but i feel in my heart a breaking when i hear something bad. maybe i'm searching for something more to life, maybe i will forever be trying to figure myself out. to figure this life out. to conquer the world.
i want to conquer the world for my little girl. i want to protect her from every harm, but i also want to teach her. i want her to learn. i want her to experience LIFE. experience is the only way i ever learned. i remember looking at myself in a mirror after escaping to the bathroom at a bible study and i felt a stir. i felt something in my being that scared me. i didn't know how to express it so i cried. i feel like i'd cry all the time if i HAD to decide what exactly i am, who exactly i am. i don't think we ever know. i don't think we are meant to know. i think that whatever we end up as, whether dust or angels or different humans without a clue, i want to learn and know and be able to say that i gave it all i got.
i may be crass and crude and downright rude sometimes, but i feel like that's a part of me that i've tried to suppress in the past and it only comes back tenfold. i may not sugar coat things with a sweet voice or a nice picture, but i try to be honest with everyone i encounter.
so, maybe, maybe this is an apology to everyone i've ever offended. maybe it's a warning to everyone i haven't. but maybe, just maybe, this part of me is the key to who i am, and accepting that is part of accepting me. and it's a part of me accepting people who aren't like me.
there are different people in the world. there are people who look different, think different, walk different, talk different, love different, feel different and i used to be VERY opposed to difference. i have damn near ruined relationships in the past because of this opposition and i have learned that giving that opposition away has done a lot for my heart. if you had told me ten years ago that i would be fully supportive of certain rights and liberties and politics i would have laughed at you. well prayed for you, then laughed at you. but even at my "best" my heart was at its worst. i feel like my heart is finally leveled out. i feel like my heart is finally my own. and that this is my best. my heart is full. my life is more than i ever expected. i have a wonderful family and i have love.
and after all, that's all we need.
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